Dear papa,

This heart’s broken into pieces, forever; there’s no denying that now. It bleeds barrels. I can’t seem to be able to put it together. No matter how hard I try, it crumbles like a castle, into a thousand tiny grains of sand at the slightest memory of you.

There’s an ache that threatens to never heal, an ache that’s only growing into a gigantic monster with time. This bleeding that hasn’t ceased for the last 100 days, all this blood, is all I find when I look around me. My thoughts are smeared with it; in places with drops, some others with streaks, and then some with whole oceans of it. And I got haemophobia, you know it, only you knew it, please tell me what to do? How do I wipe off these stains with you, not around anymore?

I spend sleepless nights, twisting and turning in bed for restless hours, wondering where you are, thinking if you can see me, if you can hear me, and I wish someone could answer that for me, put my thoughts to rest so I could sleep, for with you sleep also has forsaken me. And for months now, I’ve wondered if some part of my mind loved you more than I did.

I can’t seem to go on; it feels like trudging in a dark tunnel and I am groping for help, for you, for your touch, your fingers to calm my nervousness, my anxiety. But I tumble and fall, with nothing to grasp. That’s when I realise I’ve lost you forever. That’s when I realise, I hate the word ‘forever’.

Your daughter.


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  1. Asha, what a lovely tribute you wrote your dad at such a difficult time. Thank you. I hope you will feel peace, just like your readers feel so much better when reading your words. I send along my prayers and sympathy.


  2. Asha, stay strong.. I can understand what it is to live without sleep for months while griefing.. It might take time but remember that dad would love to see you smile.. Hugs …


  3. Oh, Asha, my heart breaks for you. Just like ours do without our Dads. Some nights I cry and wish he were here. There is nothing that can help, but time, which will allow more and more, better days to enter your life again. Hang in there, sweetie. But, please… don’t do what I did, by delaying my ability, and the time I needed to grieve. Grieve as you feel you must, without shyness or shame. It really is essential to the “healing” process. xo


“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” ― James A. Michener

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