Close to Lost – A Memoir

The light’s a dim yellow. Just the way you liked. I leave it that way. Each night. For seven hundred and thirty one nights. Exactly two years. I stare at the ceiling, and then some at the walls. They stare back. Blank. They’re lost too. At times, they move. The window panes on the ceiling,…

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It’s Father’s Day, and I miss papa terribly today. I am happy for those who still have their fathers around. Trust me, you’re luckier than many. Those of you who have been following my blog probably know that I lost my father 2 years ago. There isn’t a day I don’t miss him, but days…

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Dear papa, Your father. Your brothers. Your uncles. Same faces. Similar voices. Their presence. Your absence. Tearing chaos. Overbearing silence. I don’t want to meet them. I want them all gone. Even for an hour, I can’t stand them. You stare back from those faces. You speak in their voices. You are there, yet not…

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The other day, a dog by the street side kept staring at me.  First, I thought he was hungry. So I fed him. But even then he had that look about him; a quizzical, strange look. I couldn’t name it. Was he trying to say something? I had read somewhere that your departed communicate with…

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Dear papa, You’re gone a year today and you’ll want to know this. I don’t cry today. I don’t look back. I don’t ponder over the ifs and whys? I don’t think it matters. I don’t curse anyone. Nor do I regret life. But let me tell you this, I also feel I don’t have…

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Imagining life without someone, when have we ever given that a thought? I was the same. But with you gone, life has taken an unexpected turn. I am now looking at things, I never gave a thought. I am reminiscing over events, that once craved my attention. I am lusting for certain aches, that once…

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There are nights I wake up in a haze. My eyes travel to your rocking chair at the end of the room. Is it truly rocking or is it my mind playing tricks? It is difficult to say in the dark of the night. I stare hard and long as if staring longer would make…

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Dear papa, This heart’s broken into pieces, forever; there’s no denying that now. It bleeds barrels. I can’t seem to be able to put it together. No matter how hard I try, it crumbles like a castle, into a thousand tiny grains of sand at the slightest memory of you. There’s an ache that threatens…

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It’s been a while I’ve wanted to write and tell you things. Tell you why I’ve not been around of late. I couldn’t gather the courage. For I know, the pain that I feel, you’d feel too. But here I am. Finally. Making a lackadaisical attempt. Exactly, a year ago, this time, I had jotted…

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